Hello to all who visits, please read my poems and let me know what you think?
Have a great day and feel free to say hello.
Stephen
About Me
- Peaceful warrior
- Hemel Hempstead, Hertfordshire, United Kingdom
- I am a 34 year old dad of 2! i love life food/wine/friends and family. I am a mosaic artist (newly found creative side) and hope one day to be able to sell my work. I lost my wife to cancer back in Feb 2006 and since then been through hell and back. This blog is somewhere to post my poetry and hopefully help others who have been through or going through what i have had to endure, last year i wanted to end my life because losing my wife was the hardest thing! Yet there is light at the end of the tunnel and life at the moment couldnt be better, i have a new lady and we are to be married next year and between us we have 5 kids. Loss and tragedy in life makes you sit up and take note, life is too short as the cliche goes. I appreciate love life and laughter more than ever. There is a lot of poetry and "our Story" is pretty long but i needed to post it up and gain feedback. I want to write a book and include my poems in an attempt to help others. Any feedback would be appreciated.
Us four
Taken just before the cancer struck.
New family
How many ? lol
My new love in my life
Our story
My name is Stephen Russell I have had a pretty normal upbringing, seems funny to start writing and putting my life and feelings into words but felt the need and who knows it may help and I may learn something about myself. My mum and dad have always been there I have a younger brother (Michael) and the usual and normal ups and downs of life.
I have been fairly lucky and had an easy ish time of it met some wonderful and amazing people along the way in my life, who I have learnt from and made some life long friends, as for me I have never really known what I have wanted to do with my life and seem to have just ended up in jobs and situations without even thinking about it too much! Something I sometimes wish a hadn’t done and actually been more focused on life and achieved more yet I am only 34 and there is still time and I will achieve and reach my goals, have already started.
At school I was a bit of a loner lacked self confidence got pushed around a bit and basically kept myself to myself as much as possible, had some good friends at the time but never really made life long friendships at school except for one and that’s Steve Kinchin but then to be fair it wasn’t until Later on in life and after college when we found beer etc that we then became really good mates and started to forge a friendship that will last forever.
School wasn’t for me I hated it! Hated having to be one in the same follow the crowd play football like all the other lads, to me school was boring and I couldn’t wait to get out, very different nowadays as I love learning new things. College was ok again still very much lacked the self confidence and suppose I still do to a degree today and then I got a job working in a diesel repair shop! Drove me insane and got out as soon as I could fell into retail and by 19 I was a manager for a sports shop in Watford in Hertfordshire, loved the job and responsibility and little did I know that at “Sport and ski” I was to meet the girl I was going to marry!
Left Sport and Ski and went to work for rival sports store “Allsports” done ok ran a couple of branches life was pretty ok had a flat and a girlfriend gained a bit more confidence was quite fit due to taking up thai boxing things were ok except one little niggle and that was my girlfriend who I asked to move out. Went from the sports stores to working for wholesalers “Makro’s” was an experience but again was not really that happy there but about that time I started seeing Denise who was the girl from the sport shop days (well actually I was seeing her before I got rid of the ex oops) Denise blew me away the first day I saw her and she used to wind me up by signing her name Denise Russell when we first met and say “that looks like it’s meant to be” well we had got together and I proposed to her in the “Hogs head” pub in Hunton bridge and I was very drunk yet she said yes but only if I phoned her next day and remembered what I said.
Well I did and that was that we got engaged and started to plan and save for the wedding, which we did and got a boost as I landed a job at Kodak that was very well paid, 2 years of saving and hard work and we got married at St Mary’s church Hemel Hempstead 16th August 1997 was the hottest day of the year and also one of the best days of my life (and most expensive) the day went like a dream it was almost perfect. Too perfect.
After the honeymoon we got back and was enjoying life Denise was working for John Lewis in Watford and I was still at Kodak we were doing very well for ourselves then one Sunday we were bored and went out and bought a house lol you think that’s funny well that was us! We once popped down to an electrical store to buy batteries and came back with a telly and forgot the batteries. Denise got a job working as an estate agent which she loved to bits but was about 10 months in when we found out she was pregnant ! pregnancy went well apart from Denise being very ill with morning sickness. Then dad got ill and had to have a quadruple heart bypass and Denise had the first signs of a mole starting to grow and being pregnant it was worrying all round, to a point when my head went pop and I collapsed and Denise came home to find me with my head split open as I had caught it when I collapsed, all went pretty crappy for a while after that I ended up on anti depressants but stopped taking them because I actually don’t agree with them! They only treat the symptoms of the problem and not the cause.
I think with Denise being pregnant and dad being unwell and also my friend Steve lost his mum to cancer was all too much and that’s why I went pop, worst was to come as Denise had a mole on the back of the head which her hairdresser had noticed, we went and had it looked at by the local GP and he told us not to worry, if it wasn’t for bumping into a surgeon at the hospital that Denise knew it would have been left but the surgeon said otherwise and it was removed, and because Denise was pregnant it all had to be done under a local anesthetic !
Well it was removed and the doctor took a large area away also, the day came when the doctor actually phoned us to go and see him and the news was bad! The mole was cancerous but he told us that he had got all of it and there was no evidence of any being left behind. So Denise was to be checked every 3 – 6 months now we were told it was malignant melanoma and it was quite a nasty type of cancer yet we were put under the impression that it had all been taken away and the risk of it coming back was slight and although it was a shock to us we just got on with things and never worried about it.
Because it was cancerous Denise claimed on her life insurance and that enabled me to stay off work for nearly 2 years we done the house up went on holidays lived a really good life and of course had Max it was a wonderful time and one I would never change as that time was so precious, little did we know it.
I got back to work and things were ticking along and then in June 03 we had our second child Maddison who is one beautiful little girl, life was fantastic we had a little boy and a little girl our home prospects within my job and friends who we are so lucky to have, we were known for having mad party’s and an open house to all we loved life and were getting on with it, Denise then started to work for Virgin Vie cosmetics as a consultant and the best thing that ever happened was when her mum said “you will never get anywhere with that” well talk about a red rag to a bull! Denise went off on one then and made manager pretty quickly had a big team of girls under her and was earning some good money, a few times I had to pinch myself as I could not believe the life we had together and I still can’t believe I had Denise in my life.
Friends and people that met us said that Denise and I were soul mates and looking back it was so true, we never argued always talked, backed each other and supported each other in what ever we done loved each other with a passion that ok I may get again one day because life goes on and I hope I do but with Denise there was no effort to be in love no games played honest upfront and open what all true relationships should be like.
I loved the fact that we never got jealous and always let each other be each other be our own individual selves as well as being a couple and we even joked when we went out to wether the other pulled or not lol we were both and I still am terrible flirts and were very promiscuous lol.
2005 started off with both of us thinking this was going to be our year! Had the home family jobs etc and we could concentrate on making things better and enjoying ourselves, we booked a holiday to go and see Denise’s dad in Tenerife as he hadn’t even seen Maddison and just before that Denise and I were lucky to get a trip to Paris through her job, was a very tiring two days but we loved it! My mum who has been an angel had the kids for the weekend and off we went to Paris, again being there with Denise I had to pinch myself as I still couldn’t quite believe I had this amazing woman who was my wife! a life that was on the up and up and in one of the most romantic places in the world.
Not long after Paris in May of 2005 we flew to Tenerife to see Denise’s dad, had a really good time kids absolutely loved it and Denise looked the most beautiful she ever looked, breathtaking in fact and again we were looking forward to getting home as I was waiting on a possible promotion and Dee was going from strength to strength with her Virgin Vie business.
Unfortunately things were about to take a very serious and tragic turn for the worse.
It was on holiday that I noticed that Dee had a small black lump on her back, nothing major but by the end of the week it seemed to of changed and we also spotted another small lump on her tummy! Odd we thought and didn’t think much of it as she just had check up but would get it looked at when we got back, well first bit of bad news was I didn’t get the promotion but that was to be a blessing in disguise really, Well we got an appointment to see the oncologist and a biopsy was done on the lump on her back and again it happened we were called in to say the cancer was back!
As it was in two places Dee needed to go for a scan, the first scan found 3 tumours in her liver and one in her spleen! When we were sat down and told everything changed it all went in slow motion and what we were being told wasn’t really sinking in and then the bombshell that she would only have between 5 and 10 years to live with treatment if it works.
We walked out of there pretty shell shocked and rang everyone but Dee being Dee took it on the chin and said what can we do but get on with it and make the most of things, was an insight to the amazing strength she was to show in next few months.
We were called back again to have another scan done and this time it was worse they found 2 tumours on the brain, this changed everything yet again and now chemotherapy could not start until she had radiotherapy on her head and that was only to slow the tumours down and prolong life, malignant melanoma is one of the most aggressive skin cancers and is incurable, her life expectancy dropped down to one year.
My heart felt like someone had torn it in two I just went numb and did not know what to feel or how to feel, life looked and felt different from then on I could not get it into my head that the one person I loved and cherished more than anything was going to die and there was bugger all I could do about it.
Denise I think didn’t grasp it either as she just said “oh well lets see how treatment goes” she was more upset that she couldn’t drive anymore, bless her. And with sheer determination and courage she took on this cancer, shaved her hair off before it fell out we did it in the kitchen with the kids and they had their hair cut too so they didn’t feel left out and it helped them seeing mummy having it all chopped off with friends and my mum there, so it didn’t freak them out. To me it was just hitting home more and more that this was all happening and even more so when the Macmillan nurse came round.
The help that the local and hospice nurse’s give and the Macmillan foundation is fantastic, the support is second to none, if anything they are angels that walk the earth and made an extremely difficult time a little bit easier and that’s no easy task when faced with what we were going through.
I Was in a different world and still not sure how to take it all in but as I watched Denise and saw how strong and positive she was being I knew then that was how I had to be as the other path wasn’t worth considering, I thought if she can do this and she is the one who is dying then I have to be there for her no matter what even though my head was screaming to fall apart and my heart was in pieces I had to put all that aside and be there for my kids and my Dee.
Now I mentioned earlier that we have a name for party’s and that was to carry on we had a summer party like we always do and this time Dee wanted to make it the best ever, she called the party “lets face the music and dance” the garden was decorated a gazebo put up and nearly 80 people turned up to have one hell of a get together Dee’s last party with all her friends and boy did she go for it even with the treatment and feeling like hell she partied until the early hours.
And her positive attitude was to carry on she organized her own funeral and that was the weirdest evening ever looking at coffins and urns very surreal but then again this was all surreal to me, Dee decided she wanted to raise some money for the Cancer Treatment and Research Trust at mount Vernon so a charity disco was arranged and we held it at Hemel football club on the 28th of October 05 we sold tickets and had a raffle easily 300 people turned up and that with the raffle and the bandanas that Dee was making to sell amongst a couple of other things that were going on in total we raised 9500 pounds. Denise was starting to get quite ill by the time the disco was held and yet again she kept it up all night and got up on stage to dance, she was a little surprised when myself and 2 of my friends jumped up on stage in seventies disco get up and done a dance, she was the original disco queen and think of her dancing whenever I hear “Dancing queen” by Abba.
It was the week after disco when we were told that the treatment hadn’t worked and that Denise may not reach Christmas! I just wanted to crumble run away and hide my emotions went into overdrive every emotion possible went around me but I had to stay strong for Dee as she was putting me and everyone else to shame with the way she was dealing with it “sod Christmas” she said I am going to reach my 30th birthday in feb! and you didn’t argue.
Denise and I sat and talked a lot about what was happening trying to make sense of it and then one day she said, “don’t be sad be happy we happened” she told me I had to start going out on my own and getting used to being on my own and she then looked me in the eye and told me that when she’s gone to go out and have fun live life and find someone else as she doesn’t want me to be alone, below is a letter that was published in a national magazine that was a letter to our kids !
Dear Max and Maddison,
I am so sorry I shouted at you both today. You didn’t deserve it. You didn’t do anything wrong except raise your little voices and run round the house being the lively children I want you to be. I didn’t mean to snap at you. Forgive me.
Just lately, I can’t help my short temper. I’ve slowly changed over the last few months. I’m not the mummy I used to be. I look different and I feel different.
You see, little darlings I am ill. So very ill that I am not going to be with you for very long. I am going to die before you both. I’ve told you that already, but you are too young to truly understand what dying really means.
My illness is called cancer. It started in my skin as malignant melanoma and spread to other parts of the body. The doctors cannot make me better but they are giving me lots of tablets to try and help me. It’s those tablets that affect my mood and make me a bit grumpy. And I’m also very, very tired.
I do keep smiling for you both but its not easy being so ill. How I wish you could both climb on my lap for a story and a long cuddle. How I long to take you in my arms when you get out the bath. How I yearn to drive you to the park on your bikes or wait at the school gates to pick you up at the end of the day.
But I can’t do these things anymore. I cant be the mummy I want to be and of course that makes me sad.
Sometimes when I am sitting on the settee at home I look back and remember all the lovely times we had together as a family before I got ill…I look at the photo of daddy and me on our wedding day eight years ago. I look at the pictures of you both as babies and I remember how happy I was to be a mum. Having a family, being a mummy means the world to me . We have not done big things with our lives, instead, we’ve enjoyed the simple pleasures. Walks in the park, picnics, birthday parties and all those everyday moments that fill my heart with joy. We’ve been happy. Content. And I’ve always felt lucky in life. I loved being a full time mum to you both and I really felt I had it all . . . a happy marriage to daddy, a lovely home, a boy, a girl, and so much to look forward to in life.
But all that changed in May 2005 when we got back from our family holiday seeing granddad in Tenerife
We’d had a wonderful time together and granddad was so pleased to see you both.
It was the first time he had ever set eyes on Maddison. I remember how you ran into his arms at the hotel and made him so very happy. We all had a fabulous time together. Little did I know what was around the corner.
But it was on that holiday that I found a lump in my back and tummy. It turned a strange black colour . I went to the hospital when I got home. They did tests and kept calling me back And every time I returned they did more tests. I had a body scan, and a head scan. I was worried. So was daddy. Five years earlier, I’d had a mole removed from my head. Over the year the hospital just kept an eye on my moles, and as far as I was concerned I did not believe I had anything to worry about. I was so wrong.
Bad news was coming my way. Terrible news. But I did not cry when I sat down with daddy and was told by the doctors that I had tumours in my liver and my head and that I could not be cured . I did not weep when they spelt out that with treatment I may just have one year to live. But I began to sob when they firmly said I could not be left on my own for even one minute incase I had a blackout or seizure. That hurt more than anything. It meant I could not be the mum I wanted to be, the mum who was used to running a home cooking, cleaning, taking you out and about, driving you to see friends or family. For some reason having my independence snatched from me hurt more than anything.
But I hid my tears and daddy was there for me, and boldly we decided we had to tell you both the truth. Maddison was too young to understand, but we sat you down Max and told you that mummy was going to die. You listened hard as I explained that some people die young, some are very old, some get swept out to sea, and others get ill. “I will die before you,” I said. “But even when I am gone from sight I would always be your mummy and I would still be able to see if you were a naughty boy.”
Daddy gave up his job working full time so he could keep an eye on me and grandma started coming round to help me look after you both. We broke the news to everyone and all our friends kept calling, flowers arrived, everyone showed they cared. I was thankful to them all. But I was not ready to sit back in my pink pyjamas and wait for my final day.
“I’m not dead yet” I told them all. And I decided that I was going to go out in the way I had always led my life – living it to the full, keeping a smile on my face and going through this together.
Remember how we all got our hair cut in the kitchen. My hairdresser gave you both little haircuts then it was my turn. My dark red hair that I had started losing in clumps from my radiation treatment was all going to come off. And you both watched it happen . “You and dad have got the same haircut now,”Max joked . “And although there were tears in my eyes, I smiled at the new me. The bald, bright eyed , new mummy.
You both went to stay with grandma for a night when daddy and me decided to have a giant party at home,.I sent out the - “Lets face the music and dance” invitations, 70 friends came, and I danced on the sofa till 3am and sang “I will survive.”
Friends kept crying , breaking down in the weeks that followed, but I have made sure you do not see me cry. I want you to think of me as a mum who refusd to lie down and give up. I want you to remember me as a mum who kept going .
In September , your grandma & Grandad were so kind when they treated us all to a long weekend to Euro Disney in Paris. I was exhausted from my chemotherapy treatment , but determined to share this precious time. I needed a wheelchair for those few days and I hated not being able to walk or go on the rides with you and daddy. That was tough. I remember standing in the pouring rain, watching your faces wide eyed and innocent as the parade passed by . I knew I could never do that again with you. It broke my heart and daddy’s.
Your daddy has had to go through so much as well as me. He’s preparing to live without me around and he’s learning to cook, and do everything for you . I’ve told him in the future that he must find a new love in his life. I want that for him one day. He’s leaning on family and good friends . I thank them for being there. But its also so very hard letting everyone in, and letting go of you myself.
I have already started to step back just a little bit from you both each day. You used to both call “mummy” in the mornings and I’d answer your cries, get you both ready, make your breakfasts, brush your hair, get you bathed. Now you call for daddy. It makes me sad, but that’s the way it has to be.
I used to give you a long cuddle at bedtime now, its just a quick kiss . I don’t want to hold onto you both too long . It hurts too much. And instead of me baking cakes with you in the kitchen, its now grandma.
But I am proud of you both for adjusting so well. Sometimes little Maddison gets my crutches when my legs are weak, sometimes you both wave goodbye to me and go out for a few hours with our friends Paul and Corrine? just to give daddy and me a break. Sometimes you both try and look after me in your own sweet ways.
And one day I hope you will be proud of me. Before I die I want so very much to raise thousands of pound for Melanoma Cancer. I’ve set myself a target of £10,000. I’ve started making and selling bandannas and daddy and me have organised a big fund raising disco in October . So many friends and family are going to be there. I want them all to have a good time, and most of all I want them one day to look back and remember Denise Russell as being an inspiration, not somebody who just gave up and waited to die.
I really do hope that I raise £10,000 and more. And that my fundraising will help save somebody elses life. I hope I make it to Christmas and I can watch Max open his much wanted Scaletrix set, and see Maddison excitedly open her scooter, I want to see your little faces, looking to the skies for father Christmas, I want to see you in the Christmas nativity at school and most of all I hope I defy the doctors diagnosis and watch you blow out the candles on your birthday cakes next year. But I cannot be sure I even have tomorrow.
Every day when I wake up it’s a bonus. I don’t have enough time to do everything I want to do in life but in the time I have I want to make the most of every moment we have together.
I was angry that I have been cheated of being your mummy but I have to accept that I wont be able to see you grow up, go to secondary school , have girlfriends/boyfriends, get married or have children of your own. I wont be there to advise you, guide you, take care of you.But I want you to know that all through your lives, whatever you do, whatever you achieve , make sure you live your dreams, be who you want to be, look after daddy and each other. And be like mummy and live life to the full .
Last week, I went and sat in the ‘chill out ‘ room that daddy made me at the top of the garden. He made that space just for me, he took his paints and spent hours converting the brick shed into a special space where I can relax, and find peace. He put candles in the room, cushions and created such a tranquil place just for me. In the corner of that room I have two satin boxes. A gold one for Maddison. A black one for Max. They are going to be your memory boxes and I am going to fill them with little things that help you remember me… a lock of my hair, a photo, some special words. If I could, I would put all the love in the world in those boxes. That’s what I feel for you. Always remember that. Although I may not be around tomorrow I will always be your mummy and I will love you forever.
Ok a lot of what Denise has written there I have already mentioned but wanted to add it in as it was from her and it shows what true strength and courage she had.
Christmas came and we done our best to have the best one possible although the underlying sadness was something I will not forget, the kids loved it and got the usual mass amount of presents, I sat there watching Denise as she put on a brave face and smiled yet knowing this will be the last time she see’s them wide eyed and excited at Christmas! How she could do that I will never know.
She got to her birthday and was in the hospice at the time, her room was turned into a florists she had done what she said she wanted to do as she always did. We went to the seaside on her birthday as she wanted to see the sea for the last time and watch the kids on the beach, that was on feb 16th Denise died in my arms on Friday 24th of feb at around 7pm something that will never ever leave me, that Friday was a weird day I was agitated all day and very uncomftable and dared not leave her side, we even had surprise visitors that day which was weird as that didn’t happen before ! her breathing was very raspy and she was just laying there, my mum and Denise’s mum were there all day too but was very hard to be around them both as Denise saw my mum as her own and told me she didn’t even want her mum there which was incredibly difficult for me but it was one request of hers that I could not enforce as it was her mum. The nurse’s and doctors were unsure of how long she had and my mum decided to go home to the kids for a while and I usually went too and left Denise’s mum behind until I had eaten and came back, I couldn’t leave that night and Dee’s mum decided to go.
I sat there for about half an hour talking to Dee telling her how much I loved her and how much I was going to miss her, promised that I would be ok and will look after our babies as best I could, I actually said to her “its ok babes we are alone now” and I know she heard as she tilted her head towards me I held her in my arms kissing her softly and I told her it was ok to go and as I said it she started to slow down in her breathing, calmly I said “its ok sweetheart I love you and it’s time to go now I love you and I always will for as long as I live I will never let you be forgotten and your children will know what sort of mummy you were, the best ever and you have made my life enriched with love courage and strength that knows no bounds.”I love you sweetheart, and I swear she smiled and then she took her last breath! The atmosphere changed to the most peaceful I have ever felt a sense of relief for her but also an anguish and pain that I could never explain but yet all very peaceful.
After the phone calls to everyone and getting home that evening I felt numb and continued to ring people with the news and it was when I was sitting alone that from in the front room laughter came through from my mum and dad and some friends and it made me smile, the fact that we were all so close and knew Dee like we did made it comftable to laugh even a few hours after Dee had died I can even see Dee smiling at that.
Now what Denise has achieved and accomplished has been absolutely astounding she has put many to shame with her attitude and she has inspired me and many others to be better people and look at our lives she truly is one in a million I shall never stop loving her ever, even though she is gone she will forever be in my heart my soulmate. Yet there is a side that no one see’s or may get a small insight too and that’s the way Denise changed towards me and the kids too an extent.
The drugs make you aggressive yes and the whole massive mental and emotional strain is huge and I accept that totally and understand that at times she did not know what she was doing, but she was in control until the end and knew what she was doing and I guess this happens in all these kinds of situations but she turned on me like you wouldn’t believe, our relationship died when we were told the worst slowly the affectionate love and tenderness left us, don’t get me wrong there is a deep love there that will always remain, we cared for Dee as much as we could at home and it got tougher and tougher as she lost mobility and needed help to do everything tp a point where she was stuck in the bedroom.
She was as happy as larry when people came to see her but once alone with her no matter what I tried or what I done for her was never good enough I did it wrong or not to the way she wanted it done you name it I tried it but all I got was snapped at shouted at and treated like shit to be honestly, I occasionally snapped back but so understand the emotional strain she was under so let it go, it was when I noticed that she never made an effort with me but did for people coming round just once it would have been nice to have had a chat and a cuddle but seldom if ever happened in the end I was just looking after someone who was ill as our relationship had broken down that much, it was hard for me to explain to anyone until one day my mum saw what she was really like and I think was quite shocked at the way she was with me.
Then unfortunately she started to push the kids away and never wanted them around to a point I could understand pushing me away but not the kids, I hated her for that and hated her for pushing us away! In the last 3 weeks of her life she hardly saw the kids and when she did it was only for 10 mins or so. The last 2 weeks off her life she spent in the hospice and to be honest I was relieved she went in as I couldn’t cope anymore, her heart was broken with the realization that she was going to leave us all behind but she broke my heart treating me the way she did and she knew what she was doing, she was preparing me and the kids way before the end so we could cope better, I can see that now and for a couple of visits to the hospice when we could talk without the worry of me running around there was that spark again we could talk like Stephen & Denise again, lovers, husband and wife and that was something I needed and I think she needed too but it never lasted long.
to me she died at the end of august last year when treatment started and I cannot explain the sense of loss and the pain but I have had time to grieve long before she died and now trying to get on with life, I don’t feel sad although you do get the days when all the emotions come out, I am not sad because there was nothing I could do to stop what has happened but like Dee mentioned “be happy it happened” and I am and I am determined to be happy again believe me it isn’t easy but Dee has made it easier for me by being the way she was, she broke her heart and mine but all because she loved me with a an awesome amount of courage she put me and the kids first so we would survive.
I’m doing better than I thought I would be actually probably dealing with it too well in some peoples eyes yet again that’s down to Dee, I am finding it hard as I am a different person now and trying to find a way round work and kids is very tough I don’t feel like I am in control I want to throw myself back into full time work but cant as I am aware that mum cant be here everyday with the kids as its too much for her and the kids need me here too. The fund raising continues and will do so for ever but I need to do something to move on work find someone special !
My focus now has to be my kids and has to be work anything else is a bonus I am lucky to be able to go out still and have an amazing mum and some absolute angels in some of my friends but this is my path
life is for living take every opportunity to live it the best way you can, you will make mistakes but learn from them people will judge you but ignore them and do what you feel is right and makes you happy, create your own existence don’t dwell on the past look to the future, love and cherish those around you help others when you can but also look after yourself.
No one is ugly everyone is beautiful if you look hard enough, life is a once in a lifetime opportunity and can be taken away from you in an instant! Live/love/laugh be who you want to be.
Actually things have really hit home now and I am struggling but I am determined to push on and keep going, and I am now seeking help through Mind and cruise, basically it was like a tidal wave that all of a sudden swept me off my feet and sent me into a whirlpool of emotions that some days makes me feel as though I am going mad, but to my loving wife I promise I will get through this and make sure our babies are ok and get the best life possible, I love you sweetheart I always will, never will there be an angel like you in our lives.
For a while I had struggled, it’s like your mind is not your own, some days your up and some days the foreboding darkness and sadness just hits home and consumes you and there is nothing you can do about it at all. It was one of these moments that took me by surprise in September 2006, I had landed a good job as a tiling contracts manager well paid with car allowance, everything was going well I was feeling fit as I had been working out things were starting to slip into place, 5 weeks into job I had a day where I felt a bit off and everyday after that it got worse!
Then it hit me, I had driven to my first site of the day and sitting in the car I just went numb, the world around me disappeared and everything came flooding back in torrents of emotion, I did not know where I was and even couldn’t remember how to start the bllody car! I had to get home and shut myself away, finally I got head round driving and managed to get home yet as soon as I walked in the door it hit harder than ever, I crashed to the floor sobbing then screaming I was losing it actually felt I was or even had gone insane.
All I could do and I wont say it was the right thing to do or not but I grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels and started drinking, what ensued after that I do not remember! All I know is what people told me afterwards, I sent texts to people telling them what I actually thought of them, some good some bad and one to a girl who led me to believe she was there for me and would be always as we had a relationship, yes too soon I know but what can you do when someone lays it all down for you, promises you the world and love but then rips it away just as fast! Makes me angry as hell thinking about it and has effected me deeply still does as she changed my attitude to relationships and trusting people, even now when I am in a strong relationship and getting married she installed a fear in me that it could just be taken away again, I hate her for that.
I had managed to scare a lot of people that day to a point where my friend Justine drove up to see me as she was so worried, she found me passed out with all the family photographs thrown around the room, glass shattered in the door where I had thrown stuff, I was in a right state but drinking was the only way I could stop the emotions and switch off, I was bad for a while after that, lost the job but that was a good thing I needed more time to heal.
Then it was Christmas I was feeling better and determined to get on with it, it was ok the kids enjoyed it but it was all numb to me really, then after new year something changed! I had had enough of it all and now was the time to get back into living my life, college was going well and so I started to look for work again it took a while and financially I struggled but with mum and dad helping I scraped through. In Febuary coming up to the first anniversary of Dee’s passing I had a date with a mum from the school! Since then everything has gone from strength to strength, apart from my house being flooded out and all the hassle that goes with that, moving out etc etc well a blessing in disguise as house is now finished my new lady (Michelle) has moved in with her 3 children (yes we have 5 kids lol) we are getting married next year and life is good, yes I will still have the bad days and always will but I have a big family now and that takes a lot of love and time.
Going through what I have has made me realize that we really do take life for granted and I also realize what I have, I love Michelle with a passion that I have never felt before and I am lucky to have found a love like that in my life.
I have been fairly lucky and had an easy ish time of it met some wonderful and amazing people along the way in my life, who I have learnt from and made some life long friends, as for me I have never really known what I have wanted to do with my life and seem to have just ended up in jobs and situations without even thinking about it too much! Something I sometimes wish a hadn’t done and actually been more focused on life and achieved more yet I am only 34 and there is still time and I will achieve and reach my goals, have already started.
At school I was a bit of a loner lacked self confidence got pushed around a bit and basically kept myself to myself as much as possible, had some good friends at the time but never really made life long friendships at school except for one and that’s Steve Kinchin but then to be fair it wasn’t until Later on in life and after college when we found beer etc that we then became really good mates and started to forge a friendship that will last forever.
School wasn’t for me I hated it! Hated having to be one in the same follow the crowd play football like all the other lads, to me school was boring and I couldn’t wait to get out, very different nowadays as I love learning new things. College was ok again still very much lacked the self confidence and suppose I still do to a degree today and then I got a job working in a diesel repair shop! Drove me insane and got out as soon as I could fell into retail and by 19 I was a manager for a sports shop in Watford in Hertfordshire, loved the job and responsibility and little did I know that at “Sport and ski” I was to meet the girl I was going to marry!
Left Sport and Ski and went to work for rival sports store “Allsports” done ok ran a couple of branches life was pretty ok had a flat and a girlfriend gained a bit more confidence was quite fit due to taking up thai boxing things were ok except one little niggle and that was my girlfriend who I asked to move out. Went from the sports stores to working for wholesalers “Makro’s” was an experience but again was not really that happy there but about that time I started seeing Denise who was the girl from the sport shop days (well actually I was seeing her before I got rid of the ex oops) Denise blew me away the first day I saw her and she used to wind me up by signing her name Denise Russell when we first met and say “that looks like it’s meant to be” well we had got together and I proposed to her in the “Hogs head” pub in Hunton bridge and I was very drunk yet she said yes but only if I phoned her next day and remembered what I said.
Well I did and that was that we got engaged and started to plan and save for the wedding, which we did and got a boost as I landed a job at Kodak that was very well paid, 2 years of saving and hard work and we got married at St Mary’s church Hemel Hempstead 16th August 1997 was the hottest day of the year and also one of the best days of my life (and most expensive) the day went like a dream it was almost perfect. Too perfect.
After the honeymoon we got back and was enjoying life Denise was working for John Lewis in Watford and I was still at Kodak we were doing very well for ourselves then one Sunday we were bored and went out and bought a house lol you think that’s funny well that was us! We once popped down to an electrical store to buy batteries and came back with a telly and forgot the batteries. Denise got a job working as an estate agent which she loved to bits but was about 10 months in when we found out she was pregnant ! pregnancy went well apart from Denise being very ill with morning sickness. Then dad got ill and had to have a quadruple heart bypass and Denise had the first signs of a mole starting to grow and being pregnant it was worrying all round, to a point when my head went pop and I collapsed and Denise came home to find me with my head split open as I had caught it when I collapsed, all went pretty crappy for a while after that I ended up on anti depressants but stopped taking them because I actually don’t agree with them! They only treat the symptoms of the problem and not the cause.
I think with Denise being pregnant and dad being unwell and also my friend Steve lost his mum to cancer was all too much and that’s why I went pop, worst was to come as Denise had a mole on the back of the head which her hairdresser had noticed, we went and had it looked at by the local GP and he told us not to worry, if it wasn’t for bumping into a surgeon at the hospital that Denise knew it would have been left but the surgeon said otherwise and it was removed, and because Denise was pregnant it all had to be done under a local anesthetic !
Well it was removed and the doctor took a large area away also, the day came when the doctor actually phoned us to go and see him and the news was bad! The mole was cancerous but he told us that he had got all of it and there was no evidence of any being left behind. So Denise was to be checked every 3 – 6 months now we were told it was malignant melanoma and it was quite a nasty type of cancer yet we were put under the impression that it had all been taken away and the risk of it coming back was slight and although it was a shock to us we just got on with things and never worried about it.
Because it was cancerous Denise claimed on her life insurance and that enabled me to stay off work for nearly 2 years we done the house up went on holidays lived a really good life and of course had Max it was a wonderful time and one I would never change as that time was so precious, little did we know it.
I got back to work and things were ticking along and then in June 03 we had our second child Maddison who is one beautiful little girl, life was fantastic we had a little boy and a little girl our home prospects within my job and friends who we are so lucky to have, we were known for having mad party’s and an open house to all we loved life and were getting on with it, Denise then started to work for Virgin Vie cosmetics as a consultant and the best thing that ever happened was when her mum said “you will never get anywhere with that” well talk about a red rag to a bull! Denise went off on one then and made manager pretty quickly had a big team of girls under her and was earning some good money, a few times I had to pinch myself as I could not believe the life we had together and I still can’t believe I had Denise in my life.
Friends and people that met us said that Denise and I were soul mates and looking back it was so true, we never argued always talked, backed each other and supported each other in what ever we done loved each other with a passion that ok I may get again one day because life goes on and I hope I do but with Denise there was no effort to be in love no games played honest upfront and open what all true relationships should be like.
I loved the fact that we never got jealous and always let each other be each other be our own individual selves as well as being a couple and we even joked when we went out to wether the other pulled or not lol we were both and I still am terrible flirts and were very promiscuous lol.
2005 started off with both of us thinking this was going to be our year! Had the home family jobs etc and we could concentrate on making things better and enjoying ourselves, we booked a holiday to go and see Denise’s dad in Tenerife as he hadn’t even seen Maddison and just before that Denise and I were lucky to get a trip to Paris through her job, was a very tiring two days but we loved it! My mum who has been an angel had the kids for the weekend and off we went to Paris, again being there with Denise I had to pinch myself as I still couldn’t quite believe I had this amazing woman who was my wife! a life that was on the up and up and in one of the most romantic places in the world.
Not long after Paris in May of 2005 we flew to Tenerife to see Denise’s dad, had a really good time kids absolutely loved it and Denise looked the most beautiful she ever looked, breathtaking in fact and again we were looking forward to getting home as I was waiting on a possible promotion and Dee was going from strength to strength with her Virgin Vie business.
Unfortunately things were about to take a very serious and tragic turn for the worse.
It was on holiday that I noticed that Dee had a small black lump on her back, nothing major but by the end of the week it seemed to of changed and we also spotted another small lump on her tummy! Odd we thought and didn’t think much of it as she just had check up but would get it looked at when we got back, well first bit of bad news was I didn’t get the promotion but that was to be a blessing in disguise really, Well we got an appointment to see the oncologist and a biopsy was done on the lump on her back and again it happened we were called in to say the cancer was back!
As it was in two places Dee needed to go for a scan, the first scan found 3 tumours in her liver and one in her spleen! When we were sat down and told everything changed it all went in slow motion and what we were being told wasn’t really sinking in and then the bombshell that she would only have between 5 and 10 years to live with treatment if it works.
We walked out of there pretty shell shocked and rang everyone but Dee being Dee took it on the chin and said what can we do but get on with it and make the most of things, was an insight to the amazing strength she was to show in next few months.
We were called back again to have another scan done and this time it was worse they found 2 tumours on the brain, this changed everything yet again and now chemotherapy could not start until she had radiotherapy on her head and that was only to slow the tumours down and prolong life, malignant melanoma is one of the most aggressive skin cancers and is incurable, her life expectancy dropped down to one year.
My heart felt like someone had torn it in two I just went numb and did not know what to feel or how to feel, life looked and felt different from then on I could not get it into my head that the one person I loved and cherished more than anything was going to die and there was bugger all I could do about it.
Denise I think didn’t grasp it either as she just said “oh well lets see how treatment goes” she was more upset that she couldn’t drive anymore, bless her. And with sheer determination and courage she took on this cancer, shaved her hair off before it fell out we did it in the kitchen with the kids and they had their hair cut too so they didn’t feel left out and it helped them seeing mummy having it all chopped off with friends and my mum there, so it didn’t freak them out. To me it was just hitting home more and more that this was all happening and even more so when the Macmillan nurse came round.
The help that the local and hospice nurse’s give and the Macmillan foundation is fantastic, the support is second to none, if anything they are angels that walk the earth and made an extremely difficult time a little bit easier and that’s no easy task when faced with what we were going through.
I Was in a different world and still not sure how to take it all in but as I watched Denise and saw how strong and positive she was being I knew then that was how I had to be as the other path wasn’t worth considering, I thought if she can do this and she is the one who is dying then I have to be there for her no matter what even though my head was screaming to fall apart and my heart was in pieces I had to put all that aside and be there for my kids and my Dee.
Now I mentioned earlier that we have a name for party’s and that was to carry on we had a summer party like we always do and this time Dee wanted to make it the best ever, she called the party “lets face the music and dance” the garden was decorated a gazebo put up and nearly 80 people turned up to have one hell of a get together Dee’s last party with all her friends and boy did she go for it even with the treatment and feeling like hell she partied until the early hours.
And her positive attitude was to carry on she organized her own funeral and that was the weirdest evening ever looking at coffins and urns very surreal but then again this was all surreal to me, Dee decided she wanted to raise some money for the Cancer Treatment and Research Trust at mount Vernon so a charity disco was arranged and we held it at Hemel football club on the 28th of October 05 we sold tickets and had a raffle easily 300 people turned up and that with the raffle and the bandanas that Dee was making to sell amongst a couple of other things that were going on in total we raised 9500 pounds. Denise was starting to get quite ill by the time the disco was held and yet again she kept it up all night and got up on stage to dance, she was a little surprised when myself and 2 of my friends jumped up on stage in seventies disco get up and done a dance, she was the original disco queen and think of her dancing whenever I hear “Dancing queen” by Abba.
It was the week after disco when we were told that the treatment hadn’t worked and that Denise may not reach Christmas! I just wanted to crumble run away and hide my emotions went into overdrive every emotion possible went around me but I had to stay strong for Dee as she was putting me and everyone else to shame with the way she was dealing with it “sod Christmas” she said I am going to reach my 30th birthday in feb! and you didn’t argue.
Denise and I sat and talked a lot about what was happening trying to make sense of it and then one day she said, “don’t be sad be happy we happened” she told me I had to start going out on my own and getting used to being on my own and she then looked me in the eye and told me that when she’s gone to go out and have fun live life and find someone else as she doesn’t want me to be alone, below is a letter that was published in a national magazine that was a letter to our kids !
Dear Max and Maddison,
I am so sorry I shouted at you both today. You didn’t deserve it. You didn’t do anything wrong except raise your little voices and run round the house being the lively children I want you to be. I didn’t mean to snap at you. Forgive me.
Just lately, I can’t help my short temper. I’ve slowly changed over the last few months. I’m not the mummy I used to be. I look different and I feel different.
You see, little darlings I am ill. So very ill that I am not going to be with you for very long. I am going to die before you both. I’ve told you that already, but you are too young to truly understand what dying really means.
My illness is called cancer. It started in my skin as malignant melanoma and spread to other parts of the body. The doctors cannot make me better but they are giving me lots of tablets to try and help me. It’s those tablets that affect my mood and make me a bit grumpy. And I’m also very, very tired.
I do keep smiling for you both but its not easy being so ill. How I wish you could both climb on my lap for a story and a long cuddle. How I long to take you in my arms when you get out the bath. How I yearn to drive you to the park on your bikes or wait at the school gates to pick you up at the end of the day.
But I can’t do these things anymore. I cant be the mummy I want to be and of course that makes me sad.
Sometimes when I am sitting on the settee at home I look back and remember all the lovely times we had together as a family before I got ill…I look at the photo of daddy and me on our wedding day eight years ago. I look at the pictures of you both as babies and I remember how happy I was to be a mum. Having a family, being a mummy means the world to me . We have not done big things with our lives, instead, we’ve enjoyed the simple pleasures. Walks in the park, picnics, birthday parties and all those everyday moments that fill my heart with joy. We’ve been happy. Content. And I’ve always felt lucky in life. I loved being a full time mum to you both and I really felt I had it all . . . a happy marriage to daddy, a lovely home, a boy, a girl, and so much to look forward to in life.
But all that changed in May 2005 when we got back from our family holiday seeing granddad in Tenerife
We’d had a wonderful time together and granddad was so pleased to see you both.
It was the first time he had ever set eyes on Maddison. I remember how you ran into his arms at the hotel and made him so very happy. We all had a fabulous time together. Little did I know what was around the corner.
But it was on that holiday that I found a lump in my back and tummy. It turned a strange black colour . I went to the hospital when I got home. They did tests and kept calling me back And every time I returned they did more tests. I had a body scan, and a head scan. I was worried. So was daddy. Five years earlier, I’d had a mole removed from my head. Over the year the hospital just kept an eye on my moles, and as far as I was concerned I did not believe I had anything to worry about. I was so wrong.
Bad news was coming my way. Terrible news. But I did not cry when I sat down with daddy and was told by the doctors that I had tumours in my liver and my head and that I could not be cured . I did not weep when they spelt out that with treatment I may just have one year to live. But I began to sob when they firmly said I could not be left on my own for even one minute incase I had a blackout or seizure. That hurt more than anything. It meant I could not be the mum I wanted to be, the mum who was used to running a home cooking, cleaning, taking you out and about, driving you to see friends or family. For some reason having my independence snatched from me hurt more than anything.
But I hid my tears and daddy was there for me, and boldly we decided we had to tell you both the truth. Maddison was too young to understand, but we sat you down Max and told you that mummy was going to die. You listened hard as I explained that some people die young, some are very old, some get swept out to sea, and others get ill. “I will die before you,” I said. “But even when I am gone from sight I would always be your mummy and I would still be able to see if you were a naughty boy.”
Daddy gave up his job working full time so he could keep an eye on me and grandma started coming round to help me look after you both. We broke the news to everyone and all our friends kept calling, flowers arrived, everyone showed they cared. I was thankful to them all. But I was not ready to sit back in my pink pyjamas and wait for my final day.
“I’m not dead yet” I told them all. And I decided that I was going to go out in the way I had always led my life – living it to the full, keeping a smile on my face and going through this together.
Remember how we all got our hair cut in the kitchen. My hairdresser gave you both little haircuts then it was my turn. My dark red hair that I had started losing in clumps from my radiation treatment was all going to come off. And you both watched it happen . “You and dad have got the same haircut now,”Max joked . “And although there were tears in my eyes, I smiled at the new me. The bald, bright eyed , new mummy.
You both went to stay with grandma for a night when daddy and me decided to have a giant party at home,.I sent out the - “Lets face the music and dance” invitations, 70 friends came, and I danced on the sofa till 3am and sang “I will survive.”
Friends kept crying , breaking down in the weeks that followed, but I have made sure you do not see me cry. I want you to think of me as a mum who refusd to lie down and give up. I want you to remember me as a mum who kept going .
In September , your grandma & Grandad were so kind when they treated us all to a long weekend to Euro Disney in Paris. I was exhausted from my chemotherapy treatment , but determined to share this precious time. I needed a wheelchair for those few days and I hated not being able to walk or go on the rides with you and daddy. That was tough. I remember standing in the pouring rain, watching your faces wide eyed and innocent as the parade passed by . I knew I could never do that again with you. It broke my heart and daddy’s.
Your daddy has had to go through so much as well as me. He’s preparing to live without me around and he’s learning to cook, and do everything for you . I’ve told him in the future that he must find a new love in his life. I want that for him one day. He’s leaning on family and good friends . I thank them for being there. But its also so very hard letting everyone in, and letting go of you myself.
I have already started to step back just a little bit from you both each day. You used to both call “mummy” in the mornings and I’d answer your cries, get you both ready, make your breakfasts, brush your hair, get you bathed. Now you call for daddy. It makes me sad, but that’s the way it has to be.
I used to give you a long cuddle at bedtime now, its just a quick kiss . I don’t want to hold onto you both too long . It hurts too much. And instead of me baking cakes with you in the kitchen, its now grandma.
But I am proud of you both for adjusting so well. Sometimes little Maddison gets my crutches when my legs are weak, sometimes you both wave goodbye to me and go out for a few hours with our friends Paul and Corrine? just to give daddy and me a break. Sometimes you both try and look after me in your own sweet ways.
And one day I hope you will be proud of me. Before I die I want so very much to raise thousands of pound for Melanoma Cancer. I’ve set myself a target of £10,000. I’ve started making and selling bandannas and daddy and me have organised a big fund raising disco in October . So many friends and family are going to be there. I want them all to have a good time, and most of all I want them one day to look back and remember Denise Russell as being an inspiration, not somebody who just gave up and waited to die.
I really do hope that I raise £10,000 and more. And that my fundraising will help save somebody elses life. I hope I make it to Christmas and I can watch Max open his much wanted Scaletrix set, and see Maddison excitedly open her scooter, I want to see your little faces, looking to the skies for father Christmas, I want to see you in the Christmas nativity at school and most of all I hope I defy the doctors diagnosis and watch you blow out the candles on your birthday cakes next year. But I cannot be sure I even have tomorrow.
Every day when I wake up it’s a bonus. I don’t have enough time to do everything I want to do in life but in the time I have I want to make the most of every moment we have together.
I was angry that I have been cheated of being your mummy but I have to accept that I wont be able to see you grow up, go to secondary school , have girlfriends/boyfriends, get married or have children of your own. I wont be there to advise you, guide you, take care of you.But I want you to know that all through your lives, whatever you do, whatever you achieve , make sure you live your dreams, be who you want to be, look after daddy and each other. And be like mummy and live life to the full .
Last week, I went and sat in the ‘chill out ‘ room that daddy made me at the top of the garden. He made that space just for me, he took his paints and spent hours converting the brick shed into a special space where I can relax, and find peace. He put candles in the room, cushions and created such a tranquil place just for me. In the corner of that room I have two satin boxes. A gold one for Maddison. A black one for Max. They are going to be your memory boxes and I am going to fill them with little things that help you remember me… a lock of my hair, a photo, some special words. If I could, I would put all the love in the world in those boxes. That’s what I feel for you. Always remember that. Although I may not be around tomorrow I will always be your mummy and I will love you forever.
Ok a lot of what Denise has written there I have already mentioned but wanted to add it in as it was from her and it shows what true strength and courage she had.
Christmas came and we done our best to have the best one possible although the underlying sadness was something I will not forget, the kids loved it and got the usual mass amount of presents, I sat there watching Denise as she put on a brave face and smiled yet knowing this will be the last time she see’s them wide eyed and excited at Christmas! How she could do that I will never know.
She got to her birthday and was in the hospice at the time, her room was turned into a florists she had done what she said she wanted to do as she always did. We went to the seaside on her birthday as she wanted to see the sea for the last time and watch the kids on the beach, that was on feb 16th Denise died in my arms on Friday 24th of feb at around 7pm something that will never ever leave me, that Friday was a weird day I was agitated all day and very uncomftable and dared not leave her side, we even had surprise visitors that day which was weird as that didn’t happen before ! her breathing was very raspy and she was just laying there, my mum and Denise’s mum were there all day too but was very hard to be around them both as Denise saw my mum as her own and told me she didn’t even want her mum there which was incredibly difficult for me but it was one request of hers that I could not enforce as it was her mum. The nurse’s and doctors were unsure of how long she had and my mum decided to go home to the kids for a while and I usually went too and left Denise’s mum behind until I had eaten and came back, I couldn’t leave that night and Dee’s mum decided to go.
I sat there for about half an hour talking to Dee telling her how much I loved her and how much I was going to miss her, promised that I would be ok and will look after our babies as best I could, I actually said to her “its ok babes we are alone now” and I know she heard as she tilted her head towards me I held her in my arms kissing her softly and I told her it was ok to go and as I said it she started to slow down in her breathing, calmly I said “its ok sweetheart I love you and it’s time to go now I love you and I always will for as long as I live I will never let you be forgotten and your children will know what sort of mummy you were, the best ever and you have made my life enriched with love courage and strength that knows no bounds.”I love you sweetheart, and I swear she smiled and then she took her last breath! The atmosphere changed to the most peaceful I have ever felt a sense of relief for her but also an anguish and pain that I could never explain but yet all very peaceful.
After the phone calls to everyone and getting home that evening I felt numb and continued to ring people with the news and it was when I was sitting alone that from in the front room laughter came through from my mum and dad and some friends and it made me smile, the fact that we were all so close and knew Dee like we did made it comftable to laugh even a few hours after Dee had died I can even see Dee smiling at that.
Now what Denise has achieved and accomplished has been absolutely astounding she has put many to shame with her attitude and she has inspired me and many others to be better people and look at our lives she truly is one in a million I shall never stop loving her ever, even though she is gone she will forever be in my heart my soulmate. Yet there is a side that no one see’s or may get a small insight too and that’s the way Denise changed towards me and the kids too an extent.
The drugs make you aggressive yes and the whole massive mental and emotional strain is huge and I accept that totally and understand that at times she did not know what she was doing, but she was in control until the end and knew what she was doing and I guess this happens in all these kinds of situations but she turned on me like you wouldn’t believe, our relationship died when we were told the worst slowly the affectionate love and tenderness left us, don’t get me wrong there is a deep love there that will always remain, we cared for Dee as much as we could at home and it got tougher and tougher as she lost mobility and needed help to do everything tp a point where she was stuck in the bedroom.
She was as happy as larry when people came to see her but once alone with her no matter what I tried or what I done for her was never good enough I did it wrong or not to the way she wanted it done you name it I tried it but all I got was snapped at shouted at and treated like shit to be honestly, I occasionally snapped back but so understand the emotional strain she was under so let it go, it was when I noticed that she never made an effort with me but did for people coming round just once it would have been nice to have had a chat and a cuddle but seldom if ever happened in the end I was just looking after someone who was ill as our relationship had broken down that much, it was hard for me to explain to anyone until one day my mum saw what she was really like and I think was quite shocked at the way she was with me.
Then unfortunately she started to push the kids away and never wanted them around to a point I could understand pushing me away but not the kids, I hated her for that and hated her for pushing us away! In the last 3 weeks of her life she hardly saw the kids and when she did it was only for 10 mins or so. The last 2 weeks off her life she spent in the hospice and to be honest I was relieved she went in as I couldn’t cope anymore, her heart was broken with the realization that she was going to leave us all behind but she broke my heart treating me the way she did and she knew what she was doing, she was preparing me and the kids way before the end so we could cope better, I can see that now and for a couple of visits to the hospice when we could talk without the worry of me running around there was that spark again we could talk like Stephen & Denise again, lovers, husband and wife and that was something I needed and I think she needed too but it never lasted long.
to me she died at the end of august last year when treatment started and I cannot explain the sense of loss and the pain but I have had time to grieve long before she died and now trying to get on with life, I don’t feel sad although you do get the days when all the emotions come out, I am not sad because there was nothing I could do to stop what has happened but like Dee mentioned “be happy it happened” and I am and I am determined to be happy again believe me it isn’t easy but Dee has made it easier for me by being the way she was, she broke her heart and mine but all because she loved me with a an awesome amount of courage she put me and the kids first so we would survive.
I’m doing better than I thought I would be actually probably dealing with it too well in some peoples eyes yet again that’s down to Dee, I am finding it hard as I am a different person now and trying to find a way round work and kids is very tough I don’t feel like I am in control I want to throw myself back into full time work but cant as I am aware that mum cant be here everyday with the kids as its too much for her and the kids need me here too. The fund raising continues and will do so for ever but I need to do something to move on work find someone special !
My focus now has to be my kids and has to be work anything else is a bonus I am lucky to be able to go out still and have an amazing mum and some absolute angels in some of my friends but this is my path
life is for living take every opportunity to live it the best way you can, you will make mistakes but learn from them people will judge you but ignore them and do what you feel is right and makes you happy, create your own existence don’t dwell on the past look to the future, love and cherish those around you help others when you can but also look after yourself.
No one is ugly everyone is beautiful if you look hard enough, life is a once in a lifetime opportunity and can be taken away from you in an instant! Live/love/laugh be who you want to be.
Actually things have really hit home now and I am struggling but I am determined to push on and keep going, and I am now seeking help through Mind and cruise, basically it was like a tidal wave that all of a sudden swept me off my feet and sent me into a whirlpool of emotions that some days makes me feel as though I am going mad, but to my loving wife I promise I will get through this and make sure our babies are ok and get the best life possible, I love you sweetheart I always will, never will there be an angel like you in our lives.
For a while I had struggled, it’s like your mind is not your own, some days your up and some days the foreboding darkness and sadness just hits home and consumes you and there is nothing you can do about it at all. It was one of these moments that took me by surprise in September 2006, I had landed a good job as a tiling contracts manager well paid with car allowance, everything was going well I was feeling fit as I had been working out things were starting to slip into place, 5 weeks into job I had a day where I felt a bit off and everyday after that it got worse!
Then it hit me, I had driven to my first site of the day and sitting in the car I just went numb, the world around me disappeared and everything came flooding back in torrents of emotion, I did not know where I was and even couldn’t remember how to start the bllody car! I had to get home and shut myself away, finally I got head round driving and managed to get home yet as soon as I walked in the door it hit harder than ever, I crashed to the floor sobbing then screaming I was losing it actually felt I was or even had gone insane.
All I could do and I wont say it was the right thing to do or not but I grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels and started drinking, what ensued after that I do not remember! All I know is what people told me afterwards, I sent texts to people telling them what I actually thought of them, some good some bad and one to a girl who led me to believe she was there for me and would be always as we had a relationship, yes too soon I know but what can you do when someone lays it all down for you, promises you the world and love but then rips it away just as fast! Makes me angry as hell thinking about it and has effected me deeply still does as she changed my attitude to relationships and trusting people, even now when I am in a strong relationship and getting married she installed a fear in me that it could just be taken away again, I hate her for that.
I had managed to scare a lot of people that day to a point where my friend Justine drove up to see me as she was so worried, she found me passed out with all the family photographs thrown around the room, glass shattered in the door where I had thrown stuff, I was in a right state but drinking was the only way I could stop the emotions and switch off, I was bad for a while after that, lost the job but that was a good thing I needed more time to heal.
Then it was Christmas I was feeling better and determined to get on with it, it was ok the kids enjoyed it but it was all numb to me really, then after new year something changed! I had had enough of it all and now was the time to get back into living my life, college was going well and so I started to look for work again it took a while and financially I struggled but with mum and dad helping I scraped through. In Febuary coming up to the first anniversary of Dee’s passing I had a date with a mum from the school! Since then everything has gone from strength to strength, apart from my house being flooded out and all the hassle that goes with that, moving out etc etc well a blessing in disguise as house is now finished my new lady (Michelle) has moved in with her 3 children (yes we have 5 kids lol) we are getting married next year and life is good, yes I will still have the bad days and always will but I have a big family now and that takes a lot of love and time.
Going through what I have has made me realize that we really do take life for granted and I also realize what I have, I love Michelle with a passion that I have never felt before and I am lucky to have found a love like that in my life.
Links
Mosaics
Started doing mosaics when i had to do a project for tiling course i was on, have completed one and 2 others on go, have loads of ideas yet not the time at the moment to get going on them, but i will and hopefully start to sell individual pieces although next one is a to be a memorial piece to give to The Hopsice of StFrancis.
Tribal Mosaic
My first one !
VW beetle
In progress
Watford Mosaic
Football mosaic
Sunday, November 11, 2007
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